i chose an old picture

because i didnt want anyone else but her to know what i look like now, although it isnt to terribly different.
and i havent written in a long time because i have been busy, working, school, being sick and not seeming to get any better, getting maybe 4 hours of sleep a night on a good day.
but i am okay with that, its how it has to be right now, its not permanent.
but thats not the only reason, i would by lying if i said it was.
i havent been on in a long time because i didnt want you to know how bad i was doing.
it wouldnt matter if i wrote about what is going on, or if i wrote about sunshine and rainbows, you would know.
you would figure it out.
it was about 5 weeks ago that i stood on the train tracks for an hour and a half waiting for a train to come, and when i saw it, i didnt feel relieved, i felt even more empty.
i thought i would be relieved, but instead i got angry with myself.
and it was about 3 weeks ago that i got mugged at gunpoint in some shithole town on my way to georgia, and i gave the man all the money that i had saved, my security blanket.
and i dont know why i took all of my money in cash with me, i guess i thought in the back of my head that maybe i wouldnt come back, maybe i would just pick up and leave, but regardless, some black man in the town the greyhound stopped in has my savings,
and it was about a 2 1/2 weeks ago that i was so sick, i couldnt move, and my temperature was almost high enough for my body to start shutting down, and i thought i was going to die.
and around that time i found out that i may not pass any of my classes this semester because of absences,
which was about the time that my uncle died and my family wanted me to fly to ohio for his funeral, but i hate funerals, and i didnt want to see my father.
and shortly after that i found out that both my grandfather and my father were both very ill, and my father seems to have been drawing out the dieing process for quite some time now.
i should mention, that i am horrible with time lines, and the time frame i just gave could be off by days, or a week.
the past month and a half have felt like a blur, like the days were not separated, just a solid chunk of time.
and maybe a week ago the only man that i ever truly loved was engaged, and just had a baby girl with a different woman.
and i found out that he was in afghanistan, killing people, which doesnt surprise me because he has been killing people since before we knew each other, since before he joined the army or the marines or what ever organization gives a gun to a man with ptsd and sever mental health problems.
and my heart broke a little more with every email he sent me, telling me how many people he has killed, and the numbers keep going up,
and up
and up
and i see more and more what a monster he has become, how is is not the same person he once was.
but i, of all people should know how much taking someone elses life can fuck you up,
with each life, you get more,
and more
and more fucked up.
and death starts to not bother you, and it starts to become more
and more normal
it starts not to hurt as bad, but every once and a while, you loose someone, and it feels like the first time, the first funeral, the first good by you ever had to say to someone after they were already cold and nailed up in a box to rot, or ashes that, no matter how you look at them, dont seem like they could have once been that person that you knew and loved.
but i am in surprisingly good spirits,
and i am happy to be alive and listening to the rhythm of the key board.