i hate her

and i hate that,
that on my birthday,
the only thing i can think about is her,
and how much fun she would have had with us,
and i see all these things that remind me of her,
or that i think she would like,
or i do something that i know she would enjoy,
and i almost call her and ask her to join me,

we have been planing on going to the beach together for 2 years,
she threw me a surprise party last year,
she was not there this year,
and i miss her,

and i hear song after song on the radio,
and i think of the time we sang in her car,
windows down,
completely happy,
and i pass by the coffee shop where we talked for hours,
and my heart suddenly weighs 1,000,000 pounds,
and i see a mutual friend of ours,
and they ask me how she is doing,
and i say i haven't talked to her in a while.. leave it at that,

2 years ago she housed me when i was homeless,
last year we spent countless hours on her porch laughing and singing,
this year i witnessed her make a decision that would change her life forever,
and i hope it doesn't kill her,

and my fucking phone is filled with pictures of us,
literally 100's,
but they are all i have to look at right now,
i see her parents all the time,
we exchange heavy hearted looks,
eyes watering and holding back tears,
but we don't talk about it,
small talk has never been so painful,

2 years ago i sat at her work eating locopop's every day,
last year i betrayed her trust,
this year i drove her home because she was too drunk to drive,
and i realized what was happening..

(to be continued)

i get so tired

of not being able to sleep,
quite literally.

it starts when it gets late, usually around 12,
which sucks because i can never really fall asleep before 12 no matter how early i have to wake up the next morning,

and it begins,

i am in 6th grade babysitting a mentally restarted 18 year old boy,
and my mother is traveling,
she leaves for days at a time and i am left to fend for myself for the week,
and i am doing his mother a favor by taking him off her hands,
because god knows it is a full time job to be a waitress and a junkie,
it is,
i understood,
and all of the sudden it flashes,
to him choking me,
dragging me across the room by my hair,
beating me, i am sure he is going to kill me this time,
but no,
instead he rips off my clothes, and he has his way with me,
and i did die that day,
at least part of me,

and all of the sudden it flashes,
to my step father whispering in my ear,
you look just like your mother,
and she is traveling again,
and all of his children moved out, they got away,
and i smell the boose on his breath, and i know what comes next,
take a wild guess,

and all of the sudden it flashes,
to me being in my first foster home,
i locked myself in the bathroom to keep them out,
me and my kitten slept in that bathtub together every night for 9 months,
and im scared,

and all of the sudden i am driving a car,
speeding through back roads trying to get back to the house before 3am,
and some homeless man is walking in the street,

and all of the sudden i am flying through the air,
and a car windshield breaks my fall,
slicing open my face and head in various places, and it doesn't hurt,
but i feel the glass in my skull,
and i cant see anything out of my right eye,
and my face is covered in something,
its warm, wet, and too thick to be anything seeping through my pours,

and all of the sudden...
...
..

whatever,
what i see doesn't much matter in retrospect.

you say

we need to talk,
i feel how much sexual tension is going back and forth between us,
i just had to talk to you about it before you spent the night again, because if we didnt talk about it i feel like something would happen,
i know i have been sending you those signals,
i have feelings for you,
thats why i couldnt dance with you at the club the other night, i knew something would happen,

darling, what you dont realize is that i have had it bad for you for almost 2 years,
what you dont know is how hard that has been to hide from you,
never in my wildest dreams did i think you would feel the same way,
i wish i could help who i am attracted to as well,

then,
we are interrupted by one of your ex-girlfriend waking up and coming outside,
then the neighbor wants to chat at 12:30 in the morning,
and were alone again sitting on your bed,

you say
this is so fucked up,
this is hard,
i dont know what im thinking,
i dont know why my mind is going there,
i see you different,
i feel like there is a weird power dynamic between us,

this is fucked up, this is fucking hard, welcome to my world,
i feel like we have been equal for quite a while now,
but i know you havent seen it that way, which has been hard for me,
thats what you meant when you said that,
did that,
wanted me to hold you those nights,
im not stupid, i could tell there has been something there the past few times we have seen each other,

we play mixed cd after mixed cd until it is 6:30 in the morning,
the sexual tension alone keeping us awake all night,
fighting every instinct we have, so we didnt go there that night,
we decided to not do anything, think about it,
talk to a few people,
because this situation really is that fucked up,

we drive each other crazy all night,
touchier ourselves all fucking night,
no physical contact necessary,
we can barley make and hold contact,
but we both love this game,
push ourselves to the limit, pushing boundaries till we dont know if e can take it any longer,

you just want to fuck,
you want to be lovers and maintain our friendship,
i would like that,
but what i really want is your heart,
i love you,
and i want to be with you in a different way,

i have considered saying that i dont want to,
in hopes that sometime in the future, this will come up again,
and you will be ready for a more committed relationship,
and then i think about how i dont want to let the only chance of being with you as more than a friend slip through my fingers,

fuck.

thats all it would be to you.

meanwhile,
i am heart broken,
confused,
angry,
etc..

i hate how complex the human heart is,
how complicated emotions make life,
how much feeling hurts,

in a way,
it would be easier if we had gone on,
without you ever seeing me,
without you ever realizing you were attracted to me,
thus is life,
we will see what happens, love.