forgive me

sometimes i disappear. whether it is because i have decided to leave everything i need to start all over again, and again, or that i have fallen especially ill again, and maybe it is this time that i will not have to deal with the process of getting well. or that i got scared, because i let you too close to me, and everyone that ends up getting too close to me leaves. OD, car accident, wrong place at the wrong time while someone was trying to rob the gas station that you stopped at after you left my house, sickness, a rope hanging from your ceiling, or a knife that you turned on yourself, it always happens one way or the other, and your gone again.
maybe i am trying to save you, because i care. because for some reason events lead up to the deaths of my closest friends, and i am left, alone again. its hard to care so much about someone.. without getting hurt. so when i disappear, please believe me when i say it is not because i no longer care about you, it is because i DO care about you, more than most people.
its because when i fall ill for the next time, i don't want to break your heart if i don't get well again. it is because i want to spare you. i cant let you go through the pain of watching me wither away in a hospital bed. it wouldn't be fair.
it also wouldn't be fair to not tell you that i am sick. you will not catch it from sleeping in the same bed as me, drinking after me, sharing needles or having sex with me. you will not contract this because you hug, kiss, or touch any of the various wounds that i may have. i know this because no one else has, i am not contagious.
at the same time, i couldn't tell you exactly what is wrong with me, and neither could the hospital, or any of the specialists i have been to. they run test after test and then pass me along to the next specialist because they don't know what is wrong with me, so it has to be something other than what they specialize in, god forbid, being the fantastic doctors that they are, that they cant figure out what it is that may be killing me. i have heard it all, you have 3, 6, 9 months left. you have anywhere from 1 to 30 years left to live, your going to be just fine, this wont kill you, but were going to send you X, Y, and Z to figure out why this is happening.
i am currently in debt thousands of dollars, and always seem to be running out of time. thus is life.
so, if i disappear it could be for any reason, but it doesn't mean that i don't love you, as a friend. it doesn't mean that i don't care about you, more than most. it means that something is wrong, with me.