i get so tired

of not being able to sleep,
quite literally.

it starts when it gets late, usually around 12,
which sucks because i can never really fall asleep before 12 no matter how early i have to wake up the next morning,

and it begins,

i am in 6th grade babysitting a mentally restarted 18 year old boy,
and my mother is traveling,
she leaves for days at a time and i am left to fend for myself for the week,
and i am doing his mother a favor by taking him off her hands,
because god knows it is a full time job to be a waitress and a junkie,
it is,
i understood,
and all of the sudden it flashes,
to him choking me,
dragging me across the room by my hair,
beating me, i am sure he is going to kill me this time,
but no,
instead he rips off my clothes, and he has his way with me,
and i did die that day,
at least part of me,

and all of the sudden it flashes,
to my step father whispering in my ear,
you look just like your mother,
and she is traveling again,
and all of his children moved out, they got away,
and i smell the boose on his breath, and i know what comes next,
take a wild guess,

and all of the sudden it flashes,
to me being in my first foster home,
i locked myself in the bathroom to keep them out,
me and my kitten slept in that bathtub together every night for 9 months,
and im scared,

and all of the sudden i am driving a car,
speeding through back roads trying to get back to the house before 3am,
and some homeless man is walking in the street,

and all of the sudden i am flying through the air,
and a car windshield breaks my fall,
slicing open my face and head in various places, and it doesn't hurt,
but i feel the glass in my skull,
and i cant see anything out of my right eye,
and my face is covered in something,
its warm, wet, and too thick to be anything seeping through my pours,

and all of the sudden...
...
..

whatever,
what i see doesn't much matter in retrospect.